OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
