I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
