Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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