Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
