I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My breasts were aching with rage.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
