Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
