It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Randomize
