Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
