just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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