Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
