Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
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