come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
