Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I will pee on everything he values.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
