just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
