i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
