i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
