if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
