I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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