She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
