i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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