Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
