i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
