i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
