Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
