Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
We left the knife in your bed.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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