While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
