I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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