hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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