I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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