he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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