I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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