So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
