I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I'm passing your future prison.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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