sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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