just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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