Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
