So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
