she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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