Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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