I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
