I wish I could punch you in the face.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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