I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
