What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
