If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
