he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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