remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
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He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
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Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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