hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
