Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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