Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
