I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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