I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
