then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I look better un-naked...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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