Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
