Kiss
Puke
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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