I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
