Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
