I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
