help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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