Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
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So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
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Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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