she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
this hospital has no fireball
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
