hell yes lets make some ravioli
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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