I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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