WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
