Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
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A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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